Joy! Joy! this year..Boy! Boy! next year

Incase you are wondering about the title, that is what one of my old uncles said at my cousin's wedding. Im not sure if he has kicked the bucket yet!! I know for a fact that i will murder him if he says it at my wedding.. Anyway!! im writing this blog because Ive just had enough and im pooped dodging "the question" from these over enthusiastic uncles and aunties, who are way too concerned about my ticking biological clock. "The question" being the bullet that we all 20 somethings dread and try desperately not to get caught off guard or shot right in the butt. Cmon...you've got to be dumb if you have not guessed it by now... I can hear that background score that plays in jaws when the shark is about to bite somebodys bum off!!!

"When are you getting married?"

This question manages to take a big sized chunk of my ass every bloody time. These aunties and uncles a.k.a predators lurk around at weddings, parties ...what am i saying ...just about everywhere.... waiting for the most opportune moment to attack... usually predators wait till the prey is alone but then these predators are a whole different breed all together. They make it a point to bite your ass only when there are a 100 people around you (a mix of old farts, gas bags, prudes......) and they all make it a point to give you that sympathetic look.

Decoding the sympathetic look......

1.when its from aunties ....

a. Her parents are such good people. I feel sorry for them.

b. I heard she was carrying on with a guy in college. I feel sorry for the parents again.

c. She is 5 shades darker than my son.

d. I am sure no guy is agreeing to marry her because she is arrogant ( arrogant meaning , the girl  has a successful career)

e.I should be more charitable and find that poor girl a boy!

2.when its from uncles

a. Damn!! thats a hot ass

b. I should get my son married to her. I am sure he can score a mercedes from her dad.

3. when its from married 20 something men...

a. Damn! i should have waited. My wife looks like the backside of a bus

b. Who will marry this arrogant ##$#@$#@ (this reaction is because the girl wouldnt have replied to his scrap on orkut/facebook)

4. When its from married 20 something women....

a. She is a bitch! ( this reaction is because she just caugt her husband checking out the girls ass)

b. I hope she finds somebody like i did (tsss....Her husband is still checking out the girls ass)

Here are a list of things that I have told and wish to tell these sharks, when they ask me the dreaded question....

1. Look what marriage has done to you, do you think im a masochist?? 

2. uh,,,, another 4 year years ( I will be saying  the same damn thing for the next couple of years..)

3.I am waiting for his mother to die

4.I am waiting for Vijay Maalyas son to hit puberty

5. I pretend to have gone temporarily deaf

6. Do i know you?

7. Why dont you find ,me a guy who has 2 bathrooms attached to his bedroom? ( I hate sharing bathrooms)

8.Guys are dicks!!! 

9.$##@$@##$ you

10. Im not commiting suicide just so that you can hog for free at my wedding

11.Cant i have a live in boyfriend instead of a husband?

12.Don't tell anyone. I am secretly hitched and ive got a bun in the oven ( the bun being the 5 cupcakes that i  tucked in)

13. I am gay

14. I am a bra burning emancipated feminist.

15. I have  commitment issues.

16. I am in therapy

17.What do you think about gettign married at 40?

18.I love chocolate more than men

19. Get me a doctor..!!! im havign a stroke

20.why dont u get married again?

21. Just because your daughter was dumb enough to get married at 16, doesnt mean i have to be equally dumb

22. Your son is a loser...i dont want to marry him

23. Whats your son's net worth?

24. I feel im destined for greater things.

25. I saw your husband pawing a 16 yr old. I saw your wife being pawed by a 16 yr old.

I am not saying i dont want to get married. I want to... its just that i dont think my time has come yet to walk down the plank yet....like i say "27 is the new 24".. I feel im destined for greater things!!! lol.... wink wink ...no joy! joy! followe by boy!boy for another 4 years ....

20 LOSERS YOU SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM

Woman! If you meet any of these losers listed below, RUN, RUN, RUN like a rabid dog is chasing you.

1. He says, "WAAADDUP BITCH".
2. He takes you to a cemetry and says he finds the"i will love you forever" epitaphs extremely romantic.
3. His credit card does not work at the fancy restaurants. But it works just fine at Saravana Bhavan.
4. He says he is on a sebatical till he figures out things in his life.
5. He says you are his soul mate on the third date.
6. He says "i would love to get my hands on that fine booty".
7. His ring tone is "appadi podu! podu!".
8. His excuse to make you get the cheque every time is he is saving to study abroad.
9. His mother still feeds him/gives him a bath.
10. He answers his phone with a "yo!"
11. He says he plays with himself (if you know what i mean) 5 times a day.
12. He says he watched KAL HO NA HO 3 times and cried all 3 times.
13. He always starts a conversation with " this one time I was so wasted".
14. He loves taking pictures of himself with your phone, not his, because he doesn't have a phone with a camera.
15. He says he is very philosophical, emotional and deep.
16. The books he loved were "da vinci code, angels and demons, deception point and digital fortress"
17. He likes to watch reruns of Desperate Housewives.
18. He always seems to forget his wallet at home.
19. His pants are so low that his butt crack shows when he bends over.
20. He gets you to buy food for his dog.
    
    
    

WINNING AT THE LOSING GAME

Weight loss seems to be an eternal battle for most of us. I can even beat the scientists in the race to find God's Particle but i can not lose weight . I can live without an arm but i can not eat SALADS. There is always a “monday” or a “January 1st” or a “birthday” to start a new diet or workout. Well!! A gazillion Mondays have come and gone. I’ve been waiting for January 1st for the last 8 years, taken numerous resolutions, broken all of them and I haven’t gotten very far.

We have tried every fad diet possible from the Atkins NO CARB diet ( for someone who lives on rice like i do, its like hell ) to the GM 7 days diet ( I couldn’t get out of bed the third day ... and someone else’s hands turned blue) and the usual “stay off sugar” bit ( it is impossible to stay off sugar when i can see a doughnut being dipped in chocolate from my desk ).

I have realized dieting does not allow my brain to function. I have also realized that moving my butt to the gym is the only way to lose weight. And i also thought, if i had a treadmill at home instead of driving all the way to the gym, i would actually work out. I bought myself a fancy new treadmill. I went all the way with Manchester United shorts, trainers (trust me!! it isn’t running if your pretty feet haven’t got NIKE AIR, ipod and one of those fancy gym bottles for my COOLADE. I guess i thought wrong. All that drive to lose weight stopped with the buying. The trainers never got to see the light of day much, nor did my shorts. Spending all that money on the treadmill didn’t go entirely to waste though. It now serves its purpose as a very expensive towel hanger.This should explain why I still have 3 enormous bags of size SMALL clothes that have become a tad bit tight (errr.emmmm.when i say “tad”, it means those trousers that are not even going half way up my legs). I am hoping to fit into them SOMEDAY! Sigh!

P.S - I am waiting for Monday again! 

Sivakasi

You've got to be really stupid if you dont know where Sivakasi is.. And, if you don't, GOOGLE it. But, what i can say is, its a blooming one horse town. Do not even think about coming here.Well!! This is coming from a person who has lived her whole life in Sivakasi. We.... the Sivahasssians,

• eat BROTTAS  ( for all you city kids, its PARATHAS) and CHAALNA (which is an oily curry, concocted with body parts i cannot name... Google HAGGIS and you'll know). It is pretty delicious though and addictive. People actually drink it like soup here. But i do suggest an orange pill after some fiery SIVAKASI CHAALNA.
• sleep
• work ( we dont have weekends. Don't mistake us for workaholics. It is just that we do not have anything else to do )
• gossip ( which usually centers around "who is seeing who, who is doing who, who should be doing who, who was doing who and is not doing anymore"...
• bitch.. I don't even want to get started on this...
• booze ( cock-ey tails which look like mock-ey tails)
• little escapades to the big bad city 
• go for weddings (which happen all the time)
• drive swanky cars on roads made for dirtbikes 
• orkut 
• are hypocrites ( the women pretend to be nuns and the men pretend to be saints)

We do all of the above, not neccessarily in this order. I am guessing you get the general drift here...Sigh!!

And for all you PEOPLE ( I am talking about the fraction who cannot and will not live survive without a neighbourhood coffee shop and your pasha's and dublin's, the " i can't imagine life outside Madras" and the inquisitive dimwits who pester me with asinine questions )

• YES, Sivakas is a GAON
• NO, we do not have barista or mocha (both of which i detest).
• NO, we do not have malls or spencers (Sivakasi is the size of spencers)
• NO, we do not have clubs
• NO, we do not the have ECR ( we have Sunset boulevard which is used as a communal comode )
• NO, we dont have raves
• NO, we dont have Thai food
• NO, we do not have ANYTHING!

Lacking all of this doesn't make Sivakasi a shitty place. At the end of the day, with all the bitching and the whining and the complaining, I love Sivakasi! I know, i am a walking, bitching , contradiction. Sigh!!!